Saturday, 17 November 2018

In Her Feelings...Again

Time: 12:30am.
Mood: Vulnerable.
State of mind: Sedated.

My blog has a running theme. I complain, make excuses for my inability to keep up good habits, and promise to do better next time. These are also, coincidentally, my vices. 

I recently watched the "Fifty Shades of Grey" series for the first time in my life. I've heard about it. and even attempted to read the first novel in the series but I never got pass the first couple of chapters. And I was never able to pinpoint why. I had blazed through the Twilight series in elementary school. I still remember reading Twilight during our class' "silent reading hour". My heart beat so fast I thought I was for sure going to called out for disturbing the silence and made to stand outside for time-out. It was the first time I'd ever felt connected with a novel. Yes. 23 year old me knows the problems with the Twilight series. But 10 year old me, cognitively, wasn't mature enough to understand the difference between overprotecting and love so yeah, I liked it. I liked it a lot. But 16 year old me didn't like Fifty Shades. I didn't get far enough into the books to identify all that's troubling about Ana and Christian's relationship. Or more so, it was E.L James sloppy's writing I couldn't identify with. I like BDSM, and I like dominate wealthy handsome man. I hated Christian Grey. I felt like E.L James wrote a rough copy and someone was suppose to ghost it up for her before the books hit the shelves. The movie was only watchable because I thought Dakota Johnson went above and beyond to make the movie work. Her portrayal of Anastasia Steele was phenomenal. I used to laugh at Kristen Stewart's Bella, but now I stand in solidarity with all actors who had to play an underdeveloped character with poor dialogue.  

I like chick-lit. I like the fantasy it paints. Where else will you find a wealthy handsome billionaire falling for a dim-witted average looking girl? What does Christian even do? How did everyone from Christian's camp fall in love with everyone in Ana's? Only in a fantasy would Elliot fall in love and stay committed to one girl. But I love it. With all the flaws the movie and books have, I love the series. Reading the series is the equivalent of binging a half litre of Ben & Jerry's double fudge ice-cream. It's so bad, but it brings so much comfort. Why? Why do woman like the bad guys? Why do we think we are the one, the one, to turn a bad man good? Is all relationships about control? Is that what love is? Control. Is this why I'm scared to enter into a relationship? Because I lack control in career, my finance, and myself? Will everything fall into place when you gain complete control of your life? That's a comforting thought. That eventually things will go your way. The optimist in me wants to believe it but the pessimist...

This is it for now. My brain's about to explode.


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