Tuesday, 31 July 2018

The Lost City of Ambitions

As I sit crossed-legged on my parents' faux-patio balcony furnitures, my laptop placed on top of the accompanying grey coffee table, I enter into an existential crisis. I take pause from typing, and lean back into the seat cushion and think to myself - who am I kidding, I've been there a while now.

It'll be two month, this upcoming August 13th, since I've officially graduated from university. The feeling of pride that swept over me while I climbed the short stairs up to accept my degree has now been replaced by paranoia. The paranoia of being stagnant in a fast-moving world.

I haven't been doing absolutely nothing since moving back to my parents' place. I've submitted around a dozen job applications, attended three interviews, cleaned and organized my high school bedroom into a somewhat workable and past trauma-free establishment fit for a young "working" woman, and most recently, been on a new diet and fitness routine.

So, yeah. I've been busy.

I hope my sarcasm finds you well. If it was lost in translation, I would like for you to very much understand that I am being sarcastic.

I spend the majority of my days inside the apartment. Leaving only for spin class, yoga class, and taking Vito out for his daily walks. I kindly RSVP "No" to any social gathering I can possibly avoid because of the guilt of freely spending money for leisure while I don't have a steady income. (It is important to note here that I see my fitness classes as a necessary investment. Something that if I was without, would bring me into a depressive state. A place I'd rather not visit ever again.) Occasionally, a job posting or two will catch my eye, and match my qualifications. I'd take some time out of my day to re-organize my resume and cover letter for submission.

So, no. I haven't been "busy".

I've been occupied, but not busy enough that I can't have a social life. It's the guilt and shame that holds me back. I'm 22, educated, graduated, and yet I'm still unemployed and living with my parents. It's something I don't think is worth mentioning again and again when I go out with friends and is hit with the inevitable question, "So, what have you been up to?".

I had ambitions prior to graduating. I wanted to be an entrepreneur. I still do. But I've realized that nothing can be built without time and money. "Time", right now, I have. "Money", I have less. I, like my parents, told myself to see job applications and working full-time in a field related to my schooling as a back-up and to not let it limit what I wanted to do as an entrepreneur. It's the mentality that I have right now that is limiting me. Everything is not going according to plan and as a part of adulting, I'm trying to schedule/organize/prep & prime myself out of feeling inadequate.

As I pour my vulnerabilities out into the digital abyss, I've come to a resolution that offers some insight on what to do next. My dreams and ambitions are sinking, but it's not sunk. I need to continuously practice patience and perseverance if I want to accomplish anything big in my life. For the month of August, I'll aim to focus on drawing up a realistic schedule everyday to help me achieve my goals. 

Update you soon,


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