Saturday, 17 November 2018

In Her Feelings...Again

Time: 12:30am.
Mood: Vulnerable.
State of mind: Sedated.

My blog has a running theme. I complain, make excuses for my inability to keep up good habits, and promise to do better next time. These are also, coincidentally, my vices. 

I recently watched the "Fifty Shades of Grey" series for the first time in my life. I've heard about it. and even attempted to read the first novel in the series but I never got pass the first couple of chapters. And I was never able to pinpoint why. I had blazed through the Twilight series in elementary school. I still remember reading Twilight during our class' "silent reading hour". My heart beat so fast I thought I was for sure going to called out for disturbing the silence and made to stand outside for time-out. It was the first time I'd ever felt connected with a novel. Yes. 23 year old me knows the problems with the Twilight series. But 10 year old me, cognitively, wasn't mature enough to understand the difference between overprotecting and love so yeah, I liked it. I liked it a lot. But 16 year old me didn't like Fifty Shades. I didn't get far enough into the books to identify all that's troubling about Ana and Christian's relationship. Or more so, it was E.L James sloppy's writing I couldn't identify with. I like BDSM, and I like dominate wealthy handsome man. I hated Christian Grey. I felt like E.L James wrote a rough copy and someone was suppose to ghost it up for her before the books hit the shelves. The movie was only watchable because I thought Dakota Johnson went above and beyond to make the movie work. Her portrayal of Anastasia Steele was phenomenal. I used to laugh at Kristen Stewart's Bella, but now I stand in solidarity with all actors who had to play an underdeveloped character with poor dialogue.  

I like chick-lit. I like the fantasy it paints. Where else will you find a wealthy handsome billionaire falling for a dim-witted average looking girl? What does Christian even do? How did everyone from Christian's camp fall in love with everyone in Ana's? Only in a fantasy would Elliot fall in love and stay committed to one girl. But I love it. With all the flaws the movie and books have, I love the series. Reading the series is the equivalent of binging a half litre of Ben & Jerry's double fudge ice-cream. It's so bad, but it brings so much comfort. Why? Why do woman like the bad guys? Why do we think we are the one, the one, to turn a bad man good? Is all relationships about control? Is that what love is? Control. Is this why I'm scared to enter into a relationship? Because I lack control in career, my finance, and myself? Will everything fall into place when you gain complete control of your life? That's a comforting thought. That eventually things will go your way. The optimist in me wants to believe it but the pessimist...

This is it for now. My brain's about to explode.

Steph

Friday, 2 November 2018

How I Take Control of MY Life

I'm sure that if you're reading this, you are stuck in a place where you feel don't deserve to be in. A place you feel is below your capabilities but because of your unfortunate circumstances, you have found yourself stuck there. My life constantly revolves around the same problem. I can't help but find myself in the same predicament. I have many dreams and aspirations and even though I have conquered some, I am hung up about the dreams I haven't made into reality yet. 
If nobody has told this yet, let me be the first to tell you that feeling this way is ok. It's natural for humans to be "not enough" because once we obtain what we are chasing after, we move on to the next. As someone who has a more impatient personality, I want things to be done fast. As I have grown and matured I have come to the conclusion that some things can be done in a short span of time and some things can't. And there are things other people can do faster than you that you can't. What makes us feel bad isn't that we can't finish the task, but rather seeing someone else do it faster and better than us. Competition isn't the enemy. It's how we take it. As I have matured into young adulthood, I realized that I can no longer sulk, cry, and throw tantrums when things don't go my way. Sure, venting and ranting to our friends, family, and in my case, you, my readers are the adult equivalent to throwing tantrums but once you've spewed all your worries and frustrations out into listening ears and understanding hearts it's you that have to figure out a solution. When I find that my life is crumbling down around me or when I feel like I feel a bit stressed and anxious I do these three things:

1. Block out all distractions
This means night-moding my phone, logging off all social media (Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube), and temporarily storing my phone out of my sight. In my opinion YouTube and Instagram are the most mentally draining social media platforms for me. 

2. Write down 1 challenge I want to complete by the end of the day
It's usually between writing a blog post, or to writing one original content for YouTube. I just want to have it done. It doesn't have to be perfect because I'll go in to edit everything the next day. But it can't be half-assed. When I'm feeling like my mind can't calm down, I feel that having one task completed to the best of my abilities is what I find most rewarding.  

3. Exercise 
Whether it's 50 air squats, running 5 miles on a treadmill, or going to spin class, I try to have let my mind take a rest and instead work out my body. Even a stroll through my neighbourhood does the trick. I have found that walking my dog at night to be very therapeutic. The key to exercising when you have a billion things weighing on your mind is to clear you mind from your distractions. It's a mental challenge and it's not something you can do easily. It takes practice and self-discipline. Every time I find my mind slipping into thinking about all the things that are still waiting for me at home I take a deep breath in through the mouth and out through the mouth. I then shift my focus to what I am doing in the moment. If I am climbing the stairmaster with my headphones on, I switch the current to Kanye West's "Stronger" and focus on the beats. If I am cycling with a class full of people I turn my attention to my instructor. 


I hope these tips can help you as they've helped me. It's important to take care of your mental health. You don't have to do everything all at once. I have found that one change that you can continue is much better than making 20 changes that you can't keep. 

Until next time!
Steph

Friday, 19 October 2018

Sensitive Soul Hour

Hello readers,

I wasn't aware I had readers but, to my surprise, there are a few of you who view my self-pity/self-motivation entries. If you feel like I'm whining/vanting/victimizing myself too much in any blog entry just know that this blog is my diary. And I only share the most hurtful/frustrating aspects of my life here. It's a part of my reality; therefore it's fiction.

It's October. It's been October for a while now now. A little update. I am still unemployed. I have started working on starting my own business. Is it because I am scared of more rejection from corporate America? Yes...and no. I don't want to keep applying for jobs that are a "stepping stone". I don't want to keep hearing that I'm not good enough for jobs that I don't feel passionate about. And yes, I'll admit that if a friend were to tell the same exact things that I just told you, I would tell to not give up on finding a job and that everyone's first job is shit. But that's because I don't know my friends as well as I know myself. I know I can succeed.

 I want to have my own business because I have a vision - an idea that I want to bring into this world. I don't feel like sharing to you what my company plans entails, but I promise you that you will hear about it when it's up. I have given my self 1 year to make it happen. Make "it happen" to a degree where I can rely on it to make me enough money to be financial independent. During 8 months in and if I don't see a process or if it's not meeting my expectations to make money, I will get a job. Any job. That's it for now.

Sunday, 26 August 2018

My August - A Review

As I bid adieu to August, I must be completely honest with myself (and you - my anonymous readers) when I say I accomplished some goals and I failed to accomplish some goals.

Prior to the start of the month, I had wanted to write in my journal everyday, exercise everyday, and apply for at least one job a day. Overall, be more organized, productive, and healthy.

I wrote in my journal two times - both times I failed to complete everything on my list. I had applied for a few jobs but I was not "actively looking". Instead, I took the time to work on my hobbies and to avoid my hobbies (because I was becoming a serial-hobbist who could not control her raging imagination unfortunately paired with her unmatchable talent/skills). I did, however, attend my spin class religiously everyday. Sometimes even twice a day. I did yoga maybe 3-4 times a week. Before you ask, no, I did not lose any weight. However, my body looks less lumpy, feels more firm (arms, stomach, and legs).

Even though my exercise regimen is stellar, I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I had planned on doing more. Going to more spin classes, attending yoga every weekday, eating less, eating healthier, drinking more water, sleeping earlier, organizing my room, organizing my life...

I only managed to kind of achieve one thing. When they say "shoot for the stars" they must've forgotten to mention in the fine print how disheartening and depressing it is to not reach the stars and having to settle for the clouds.

If a hodgepodge of all the people I admire were to stand before me and tell me I was doing well despite not completing every goal I set out, I would not be able accept it. I could do better. I need to do better. Summer is ending and I feel a little less lost but I am not where I want to be. Is there improvement? The urge to want to fight to achieve more.

August gave me so much. I re-connected with my Asian identity. I started watching/reading/listening (not repeatedly) to C-Drama, J-Drama, K-Drama, Kpop, manga, and manhwa. I even created a Weibo account in hopes of learning Chinese/keeping up with the culture.

For September, I want to keep up my exercise routine, be concise of what I am eating and how much I am eating. I want to actively search for jobs, and task less in my journal but write and reassess it nonetheless.

Tuesday, 31 July 2018

The Lost City of Ambitions

As I sit crossed-legged on my parents' faux-patio balcony furnitures, my laptop placed on top of the accompanying grey coffee table, I enter into an existential crisis. I take pause from typing, and lean back into the seat cushion and think to myself - who am I kidding, I've been there a while now.

It'll be two month, this upcoming August 13th, since I've officially graduated from university. The feeling of pride that swept over me while I climbed the short stairs up to accept my degree has now been replaced by paranoia. The paranoia of being stagnant in a fast-moving world.

I haven't been doing absolutely nothing since moving back to my parents' place. I've submitted around a dozen job applications, attended three interviews, cleaned and organized my high school bedroom into a somewhat workable and past trauma-free establishment fit for a young "working" woman, and most recently, been on a new diet and fitness routine.

So, yeah. I've been busy.

I hope my sarcasm finds you well. If it was lost in translation, I would like for you to very much understand that I am being sarcastic.

I spend the majority of my days inside the apartment. Leaving only for spin class, yoga class, and taking Vito out for his daily walks. I kindly RSVP "No" to any social gathering I can possibly avoid because of the guilt of freely spending money for leisure while I don't have a steady income. (It is important to note here that I see my fitness classes as a necessary investment. Something that if I was without, would bring me into a depressive state. A place I'd rather not visit ever again.) Occasionally, a job posting or two will catch my eye, and match my qualifications. I'd take some time out of my day to re-organize my resume and cover letter for submission.

So, no. I haven't been "busy".

I've been occupied, but not busy enough that I can't have a social life. It's the guilt and shame that holds me back. I'm 22, educated, graduated, and yet I'm still unemployed and living with my parents. It's something I don't think is worth mentioning again and again when I go out with friends and is hit with the inevitable question, "So, what have you been up to?".

I had ambitions prior to graduating. I wanted to be an entrepreneur. I still do. But I've realized that nothing can be built without time and money. "Time", right now, I have. "Money", I have less. I, like my parents, told myself to see job applications and working full-time in a field related to my schooling as a back-up and to not let it limit what I wanted to do as an entrepreneur. It's the mentality that I have right now that is limiting me. Everything is not going according to plan and as a part of adulting, I'm trying to schedule/organize/prep & prime myself out of feeling inadequate.

As I pour my vulnerabilities out into the digital abyss, I've come to a resolution that offers some insight on what to do next. My dreams and ambitions are sinking, but it's not sunk. I need to continuously practice patience and perseverance if I want to accomplish anything big in my life. For the month of August, I'll aim to focus on drawing up a realistic schedule everyday to help me achieve my goals. 


Update you soon,

Steph